friday was terrible, today was horrible, this weekend is the worst.
it's like im having a nightmare and i want to wake up from it and i keep pinching myself to wake up from this stupor and then i realise that it's not a dream and it's in fact reality, and i can't do anything about it except to suck it in and swallow. i honestly think that the worst feeling in the world other than rejection is to REGRET. it is so goddamn frustrating you cant change anything, and it's no point crying over spilt milk and all that you do on a bad hungover day is to just smoke your brains out. not like it even helps the situation in any way, but at least the 7 mins of nicotine filling your insides just becomes your runaway.
i am so sorry to the person who will be the most hurt in yesterday's night of intoxication. i doubt youre reading this but i am really so sorry it was never my intention to get involved in any way, and i did not do it to spite you or anything. i really had no damn idea what i was doing and all i can do now is to say sorry, and im sorry for not having the courage to say it straight in your face that im terribly sorry.
so now, im so looking forward to bangkok to get myself away from all this for a while, and i want to forget and change. so when i come back it's a whole new start and beginning where i solemnly swear never to do stupid things ever again. it's times like these when i really find myself so repulsive ughhh it's so frustrating. worst weekend ever. so fucking stupid.
and you, youre acting all weird and mean. you dont even talk to me properly now. i said i was sorry but you said you dont care it has nothing to do with you, so then why are you acting up. just when i need you the most now, you turn me away and you dont give a fuck about me. yes i know it was my fault, but i really needed to talk to you i want to explain things to you but yet im hesitant because why do i have to answer to you. why do i even feel like im letting you down.
you said that im weak, yes im telling you that i am and im sorry im not as strong as you. i dont know how to stand up for myself and im useless. am i that insignificant in your life that youre only nice when you need me and when you want something from me, (not in the physical sense). ive been moping around the whole damn day but did you call when you told me like 3 times that you would. im always subjected to your moods and i hate it. and to add on, i can never say all this to you because i dont want to lose you. but i know that i slowly am.
everything feels like it's falling apart. i have no idea what to do. this fucking sucks.